Choosing You

Late last night, I sat propped up in bed, flipping through pages trying to determine what it was about Alexandra Soiseth’s memoir Choosing You, that struck such a chord with me. We certainly have things in common, she and I. I am a single mother, also by artificial insemination. While I don’t have the weight struggles Alexandra grappled with, I have my own share of self image issues that had to be worked through. Still do, if I’m going to be honest. I’ve tried the dating game, and like Alexandra, found that the fantasy relationship I claimed to want more than anything was really a work of fiction, and that all I really wanted was to be a Mom. In the end, what resonated most with me, is the emotional turmoil that comes with not only making the decision to become a single Mom, but also follows you through every step of the process.

I remember with crystal clarity, the day I sat on the exam table in my paper gown, 23 years old, getting ready for a procedure that would zap away those dangerous cells from my cervix. The doctor was so abrupt, speaking in short sentences and never really answering my questions. The only question that really mattered to me though was the big one – would this procedure impact my ability to have children? Hah, what do you care, he muttered, you’re too young anyways. My cheeks burned red, chastised by his response. He finally took pity on me and answered bluntly that I may end up with an incompetent cervix, depending on much of my cervix had to be removed, and I would just have to wait and see. The fear that one sentence struck – very very real, so much that I can still feel myself tense just thinking about it. When I reached the section where Alexandra’s pap smear came back with abnormal results, I wanted to reach out through the pages of the books and offer support and comfort. I wanted to tell her, hey, I’ve been there, I know that fear.

Aside from my brush with cervical cancer, I have never experienced the heart wrenching pain of infertility. I was lucky. I didn’t realize that so much at 23, when less than 6 months after the procedure I found myself unexpectedly pregnant. It wasn’t really until 6 years later, when I began scouring the internet for information on donor sperm and artificial insemination. And even then, I still didn’t have a sense of how fortunate I was. I jumped right into online message boards, learned the lingo, and yes, like Alexandra, googled for sperm. I can look back now and see how painful it must have been for the board veterans to see someone like me – one cancelled cycle, one failed cycle, then success. I couldn’t relate to the infertility aspect. I ached for those left behind, but it didn’t change the fact that I wasn’t one of them. In this way too, I felt a kinship with Alexandra - her easy success, but uneasy celebration of success. Most books and articles on donor insemination seem to assume infertility. Along the way I think I developed a sense of guilt that I never really had that struggle. Many times when I blog, I feel the weight of this guilt. Why was I successful, when my friends are still struggling? Sometimes I hold back a lot, because it feels very awkward to blog about donor insemination or fertility issues when I got to walk the easy path.

As I finished Choosing You, my last thoughts were that the story isn’t over yet. I was left wanting more. I’d love to hear more about the sleepless nights – oh how I have been there. How the author juggles work demands, childcare issues, illnesses, and more. Perhaps that is because at this point in my life, I am so far removed from the process of deciding to become a single Mom, and am firmly entrenched in the day to day stresses of being the Mom. I’d love to see a future book, and hear more about the “Daddy” issues, half-siblings, and the current drive in many countries toward the ban on anonymous sperm donation. I would recommend Choosing You to anyone who is on the thinking path toward single motherhood, as well as those who have been through this journey, as it is a touching memoir that brings back lots of memories for me.

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